You'll never fully embrace yourself for pain

Melv & me parted ways yesterday.
I guess no matter how much you've geared yourself for the pain, you'll never fully embrace yourself enough for the pain of good bye.

I've never asked for together forever. All i did was wonder how far we can go. What started off with "i don't know" eventually ends with the uncertainty.

All i know is that i have tried. And my very best at that. I guess time will heal what reasons cannot. I would like to erase all that there was... but i know that every experiences that i go through, although i may not see it now, makes me truly who i am.

Restless in KL

Everyonce in a while, I am overwhelmed by the feelings of
restlessness
envy
being trapped
frustration

I envision myself in faraway places,
walking through strange lands, seeing different people different places,
being in totally new environment outside of malaysia

then i snap back to reality, only to find myself in my little cubicle at wor
my mind still wandering, my physical being here

This time my urge to get away is even stronger
with the changes in the work place
seeing my friends leaving Malaysia one by one, till there's only a handful of us left

I feel lost
I feel trap
And i wander aimlessly - my heart, my mind, in search of a solution for myself

Some say that the reason why i'm aimless is that i fail to plan ( i say i don't know what i want )
Some say, the grass is always greener on the other side (i say, if i've not tried, how would i know)
Some say it's only phase, i'll just need to find an anchor ( i say, i've found an anchor, but my anchor is like me too )
Some say "you didn't ask God, you walked your own way" ( i say, true, perhaps i'm too afraid what HE will unveil )

I'm hoping that through writing this feelings of frustrations, these feelings of reslestness & my everyday search for answers, I will eventually be at peace with myself, where ever i maybe.

2007 = 2003

The company was doing so well.

We were so sure we could hit the target that was set for 2006.
The year end looks like a time for big celebration.
We were all running the race heading towards the finishing line.

Then the news came.
We lost our biggest client.
With that the year end became murky.
Feelings of - what, where, how became jumbled.

With that lost, our billings for 2007 goes back to 2003.
2003 meant - the struggling times.
It meant the endless rounds of pitching.
It meant lots of struggles and lots of tears.

I don't think it was only monetary loss that was felt,
It is the pain that only a certain group people knew, what it meant going backwards.
For those who have not been there would not have shared the same fight, the same passion, the same pride.

This setback is a good lesson,
to always always be prepared, for you never never know what will happen.

Only God knows.
And this time, He is saying, it's time to take a break. I am giving you guys a wakeup call.
You have been sprinting so long you are turning tired.
Because you think that you are good,
You have become arrogant.
It's time to come back to Me.
For I will give you rest.

Night of Miscommunications

Tuesday night out with Han San, Chris, Kar Shian, Nish,Poh & John @ Wong Poh ( finally ) then drinks at Summer Villa with Kelvin & Jean joining us.

Never was there so many micommunications in a night's outing.
1. HanS thought I was driving, because Chris's sms said I would meet at his house. Usually when we do go out, Han San will drive. So, he got a little excited thinking that for once he will be driven.
2. I thought Chris was to meet at Han San house too. So when Nish called and asked for the house number, I told her I would buzz Han San for it. Nish said it was OK, she would call Chris. So I left it at that. So poor Nish had to wait in the car for half and hour.. because I was late. I had to turn around to get the bottle of wine.
3. Apparently Chris was to meet us at the dinner place - Pantai Seafood. The time she got there, the restaurant was filled, and the line was till Timbaktu. So quick change of plans, we moved to Wong Poh.. Well Chris mentioned Wong Poh.
4. So there we were (Han San & I) finally in Wong Poh, soaking from the rain, ordering our food, when i called Nish ( who was tailing HanS & I ) to check on her whereabouts. "We are in Starlight. ChrisC is here. We've got a table and we've ordered tea". huh?
5. Finally we were all in Wong Poh except for Kar Shian who we were frantically searching for because of the change of place. After a few missed calls & SMS, finally Kar Shian called. He left his phone at home and he was waiting for half and hour at Pantai Seafood... ooooopsssssss.

The food broke the jinx. Everything went on well after.

Menu of the night :
Cheese crabs, ham tan crabs, kung poh lai liu ha, 1 soup with gazillion balls, kai lan garlic, deep fried otak, spring onion ginger brands chicken essence frogs legs, yim kuk kai & mantau buns.. burp!

Next stop. Wine at Chris's home.
John brought the evillest drink - Bali Tuak. 40% alcohol. erm, i didn't quite enjoy the taste on it's own. I thought i was drinking "toner". But, a shot of that into Sunkist Orange Juice...plus after half a bottle of wine, everything is A OK!

We stayed till 2.30am, just reminiscing about old times - which was only 10 years ago( i sound like an old lady !). The days of school, the days of college, then touching a little on venus & mars stuff and after a whole load of drinks debating marketing cases ( that was the wine talking!)

At 3am, I had to text Terny to ffk them for the morning hike at Gasing..again.

Life of her own

23 Oct : Monday Night out, dinner & drinks : DawnL & MichelleY @ Socials, Bangsar
I kinda missed DawnL. My work drinking buddy turn close girl friend. It’s been a while since we last caught up. Again, it's the.. where do we begin? It's been such a long time. Perhaps the latest piece of news would be good.

DawnL is one of my sanity check points.
We share a similar doses of girly emotional up and downs. And so we remind ourselves that in order not to be too hung up over girly – men issues, a girl just need to get a life of her own. Regardless, we will just have to get out there, and do the things that we want to do. Catching up with MichelleY and her dose of street wiseness, just re-affirms this thought.

DawnL & MitchelleY had to go to K's open house. The night continued on with HT, Jessey, Al,Aivan ,Terny & KayB popping by. 2 bottles of wine ( between HT & myself), 1 tom yum soup at 12am, half a maggi goreng (shared with Al at 1.30am ) later, I was ready to crawl home.

Mah Jong.. I'll never learn!

Mission #2 : Fatt Fa Teen

Saturday, 22 Oct : Lawrence & Jacq @ Bar B201
Tonight must be my lucky night. Instead of paying for tuition fees for a 101 on Sam Ka (3 leg) Mah Jong, I finished with a handsome RM1.60. JacQ attributes it to me “fatt fa teen”.

Don’t ask me what the game is all about, because I still can’t grasps the game. I just can't.

I don’t know :
1.Where do we start? Clockwise or anti- clockwise?
2.How do you count the tiles? & where from? Clockwise or anticlockwise?
3.How do you calculate the points? I am still confused over the “Wus” and when can you or can’t you “game”? gh.

I know :
1. Arrange the tiles – same pattern, running numbers
2. to be safe, always throw away the tile that everyone else is throwing
3. to call for the cards ( to make 3 ), it’s “Pong”
4. to grab a card to make 4 tiles ( as a flower, if I’m not mistaken.. ) call “Kong”
5. don’t simply grab the tiles from any end of the queue. Ask if you don’t know where to grab, and most importantly don’t daydream. You will be penalised badly – pay for the winner and the runner up if I am so lucky as to throw the tile to help them “game”.

New list of words I’ve learnt :
“Kam Kam Wu” – Something to do with gaming with your own “moh”
“Tai Seong Koong” – Too many cards can’t game
“Siew Seong Koong” – Too little cards can’t game

It's funny how i don't even know the game, but i know that it is pretty addictive.
Sigh.
When do we play again?

Tracking down the MIAs

I realised that work has taken up so much of my time, I’ve lost track of most of my friends. I missed spending time with them. I missed my child-teen hood. Meeting up with them, meant that I could relive my past and be in denial that I am now a grown up. Well at least for a while.

The long DeepaRaya holidays promised a good break. But with too much time idle, I tend to go through some time of holiday blues. Since BB is back home in Ipoh for the holidays I decided that I should scroll through my phone book and organise little get togethers.

Mission #1 – Saturday, 21 Oct : Kshian & HanS @ SS2 Tai Chow & KTZ
I’ve not seen Kshian since Amy’s wedding and HanS since ChrisC’s last home coming from Penang.

Har Ko Nai Yau Har (Salted Egg Mantis Prawn ) & Curry Tau Hu . Absolutely yummy. Pork Knuckles for the boys. All that is missing is ze beer. But after a Chivas filled week in D’Haven, I resorted to only non-alcoholic drink for the night.

I was mighty excited at the sight of Kshian’s Frontier ( which I stupidly thought it was a Hi-Lux). Being the sua - ku that I am, I chose to travel in this monster of a car to KTZ.

I thought that it was funny that when you hang around a group of friends often, you tend to bump into them, even though you are out with another bunch of friends. So there they were, KayB, Terny, Aivan, Jessey, Willy & Steph. We took over their seats, as they were making their way to a movie.

For dessert I had Mango Lo Lo ( bliss!).
It brings back good memories, my Mango Lo Lo - SMSJ times, at Sunway Pyramid overlooking the skating ring with Amy, Murphy, Audrey, Kelvin & HanS
- First time getting our driving licence, at Jalan Alor, after a joy ride from SJ ( either HanS or Wilfred or Kelvin drove) – SAM Taylor College days, at somewhere Kepong following the slip road from Segambut Dalam.
That night, we sat from 10pm – 1.30am. Such great fun exchanging views & stories about Venus & Mars.

Potato Slut

I made my first potato salad today.

It’s a recipe borrowed from Nut’s blog ( seafood bbq ) & improvised from YL’s recipe .
Improvised along the way, as this kitchen dummy is definitely nervous about the potato salad not turning out right. My secret fear is that instead of a nice sunny bbq party at Kayb’s, we might end up with a lau-sai party.

Daddy was my first guinea pig. He came for back for seconds. Yippie!

Nothing exploded in the kitchen today.
Nothing got burnt.
Nothing was spilled, and I didn’t came out unharm.

The only casualty was that I had to wrestled the kitchen from mom.
So this is a big deal for me.
For those of you who have visited my home will know that my mom is a clean freak.
Her kitchen is clinically white and spotlessly clean.
Everything I’ve touched has to be wiped clean, before it goes back to it’s place of origin, the walls has to be wiped and kitchen utensils washed and dried to before I step out of the kitchen.

I had to sneak down to the kitchen to start my PS mission, before she discovered that there was a storm brewing. She eventually wandered into the kitchen.
I could see that she was nervous, that I would burn down the kitchen ( hey, I have learnt from the egg-in-microwave episode okay ).

1hour 45 minutes, a potato salad for 15 people. This is hard work. I really got to try harder, if I really want to be a domestic goddess.

Hot Hot Chicken Shit

I'm back (yes again)

For those of you who've known me long enough, would know that i am hot hot chicken shit.
I guess, which is why, i've never excelled in anything.
I console myself with "it's the experience"i am after.

This is my 4th attempt, in my blogging adventure.
My diary days have never lasted. I wonder how long I would last this time around.
My motivation this time, is inspired by my friends, or at least the long distance conversations that we have.

"Hello.
How are you?
Good. You?
What are you up to now?
Aiya, donchknow where to begin.
So many things have happen, it's kinda hard to know which story to tell you.
Ah, mebbe, i try the latest that happen.

You did what when? how with who? you did not i don't believe you? why didn't you tell me? i am excited disappointed shocked yew really?

Oh i have to go.
Call soon k? Email at least? oh msn mebbe? i've posted pictures online on msn.
We should do this more often.
Take care miss you."

So guys, this is dedicated to you.
It's time I am able to be the little showy limelight hogging person that i am (hah!)